When I was younger I've always wanted to grow up but now when I look at myself, at my life and at my choices I wish I had stayed a child. Imagine being 21, still in college achieved nothing, probably never will because I'm both impatient and negative so. It's just failing my own visions and dreams that I created in my head, I liked planning things and visulizing myself at better places but wtf?
I mean let's give 9 years till I become 30, and I cannot wait to see myself thirty, flirty and damn thriving! If else honey then I won't, for instense I stopped comparing myself to others for a while God knows what these people suffered from to get there.
For me, a I sense when things won't be the way I wanted, I just have that really heavy feeling across my chest that just tells " Listen honey, your day is going to suck! So just for it to happen, just wait..."
Compared to last year, I consider myself matured a bit to cry over things like this, or maybe I'm just used to my life being a complete mess and not doing anything about it? Hm, interesting! It's interesting how I just stand there waiting for my life to fall apart in front of me.
You think I haven't tried to do anything about it? Maybe cover things up with a smile or hide the fact that I'm so negative that I forgot what positive is? It's like when Pheobe from friends the tv show said " It's so exhausting waiting for death" because if feels like it, I know what Frank Sinatra meant by "Killing me Softly" but not in a romantic way, in a sadder manner I mean.
Like I keep on listening to old song form the 90s or even the early 2000, like I'm nostalgic towards my childhood or being too naive to understand things, these songs just give me comfrot. Comfort I never dound in new modern songs, or friends or even family. I just burst into tears when I remember a memory related to that specific song, it's just sad.
Or even movies, there are new movies releasing every single day and you know what I just do? I keep on watching my sad little comfort movie lisr and I cry at the same scenes that made me cry the first time, laugh or even resite the dialogues. Maybe I just wish to watch them for the first time and get that feeling again, what do you call this? Desperation, boredom or just a bad phase?
But can a bad phase last more than a year? It started to grow a depression that I can't get out from, it's like I feel trapped in a blurry whirlpool. But I ask myself the same question every single time, till when?
